Right now, I am with you. Someday, I may not be with you. I can spend my days worrying about all the things that will happen when we arent together anymore. Or I can enjoy all the time I have with you while I have it.

Right now, you are with me. Someday, you may not be with me. You can spend your days worrying about all the things that will happen when we arent together anymore. Or you can enjoy all the time you have with me while you have it.

I love you…

This morning, after we all had a big breakfast together, I went for a run. I am not much of a runner, though I have tried to be for years. Ive just been so weak or sick the last few years that I end up being more exhausted than energized after a run. It has been a slightly difficult road getting my health back on track, but Ive been eating consistently for about a month, and a week and a half ago, I started doing some form of exercise every day. About 5 days ago, I was able to do an entire Pilates video, and I have gotten much stronger the last week or so than Ive been in years. This may not sound like its very much for someone who is used to physical exercise, but to me, these are HUGE milestones.

So anyway, back to this morning. The weather was cool and just slightly breezy. The trees were huge. The air was peaceful. The roads were long. The leaves on the ground were crispy. I decided to test my strength and see just how far I could go. So I turned Pandora on to my Ryan Adams station (of course…) and ran.

Oh. It was the most beautiful run.

I had a tracking device on my phone telling me how far I had run (and a map to make sure I didnt get lost!) and I ended up running 1 full mile without stopping. Now.I know that sounds pretty simple… anyone can do that, right?? But Im usually the girl at the gym who takes a break about every .1 mile, and on a good day .2 mile. Im also the girl who refuses to sweat. Not only do I refuse to sweat, but even if I want to look like a badass in the gym and I WANT to sweat, I cant. Not that I could ever look like a badass, since I fall off treadmills just about everytime I get on one…

After I finished the first mile today, I tried to remember the last time I had been able to do that.  The answer is never.

I participated in a 5K about 3 years ago, and I had to walk most of it. It took about 45 minutes to finish, and I was pretty sure I was going to throw up by the end of it. I was pretty discouraged, so I havent done it since.

So here I was this morning running up hills and around curves, and I felt amazing. I took a detour off one of the roads because I saw a pond on the distance. So I pushed through the brush, and sat next to the water for a little while. I couldnt stop smiling. I was just so at peace out there. I watched the tall trees toss a pinecone to the ground every once in awhile. I watched a mommy horse and her baby walk in a field. I listened to the water and the leaves, and I sat right in the middle of it all, feeling stronger with every breath.

I decided to walk back. I wanted to see everything I missed while I was watching the pavement on the way out. I took another small detour and picked up some pinecones. They remind me that no matter what Ive gone through, as prickly as situations have gotten, there is always beauty in it. I wanted a reminder of the fact that today, I ran further than Ive ever been able to without stopping, that Im stronger than Ive been in years, and that Im only going to go further and grow stronger! This is just the beginning. I’ll keep those pinecones forever. To remind me that Im always going to go forward in my life, that even small beginnings are amazing, and that my life is absolutely beautiful.

If someone stares, I just talk to them and shake their hands. If someone makes eye contact, I flash them a smile and a “good morning!” This took a lot of bravery on my part. You know, Im a female, so I have to be careful about walking up 3 flights of stairs in the dark while a group of teenaged kids are sitting together 2 flights up. But I just decided that they are all people trying to make their way, and if Im kind to them, theyll be kind to me. No sense in living in fear, anyway, right?

I found out pretty quickly that the people in my building are pretty great. My friend Justin and I moved a washer and dryer into his truck  BY OURSELVES and got them to this complex before I realized there was absolutely no way in the world I was going to get them up 3 flights of stairs. Well, there were ambulances and firetrucks a couple of buildings down (I know, right…) because, as this one little kid put it, “some ol’ dude passed OUT. Shoot, I dunno, tha’s what I HURD.” I took advantage of the fact that there were a bunch of people standing around not doing anything. I found the BIGGEST guy I could- and he is literally the size of 3 grown men. Ever so sweetly, I walked up to him and said in a shamlessly Southern-charm sort of way, “‘scuse me, sir, could I borrow you for 10 minutes??”

Now. This is one of those times that I should have had a camera on me, but I was sort of too shocked to think, because this guy threw my washing machine on his back and carried it by himself up all 3 flights of stairs. Then his friend helped Justin carry the dryer up stairs, which was no easy feat either- I know. So right then, I got to meet some kind people and I baked them all cookies!!!

Then theres Sheila. She lives next door. She has a transexual friend. She likes to watch movies. And she “cant prosper here!” These are things I found out early on. So I say, “Go on Sheila! You go prosper!” …whatever that means. She was the first one here to call me the “little white girl with the cute little white kids” and I think it just sort of spread.

Everyone else in my building is sweet. We all see each other different mornings when they are leaving and Im taking Hippie for her morning bathroom break. Its always nice to feel like Im sending them off on their day with a warm smile and a happy greeting! And they always return the favor.

I always get to greet a couple of the maintenance men in the mornings too. They come around to clean up trash on the grounds, and they always ask me if my hot water is working or my shower is working better or my dishwasher isnt leaking anymore. Yea, we had a couple issues for a few days. *sheesh* Funny story- the other day, I was carrying out too many trash bags at once, and one of them completely broke and little pieces of terra cotta, spaghetti sauce jars and outdated business cards went EVERYWHERE! All over the stairs, and then blew through all the stairs, covering all 3 flights. I just stared to the sky and yelled “NOOOOO!!!!” Then I heard “Ahem, are you ok???” Two maintenance men, who I didnt notice previously, were standing at the bottom of the stairs. Embarrased? Maybe a tad. But they helped clean it up, so I guess they didnt think I was too crazy.

The humor is something Im not used to around here. Tonight while I was taking Hippie out, I heard one of the guys in my building yell, “SIR! Putcha hands up so I can see dem! SIR! PUTCHA HANDS UP SO I CAN SEE DEM!” Not gonna lie- I froze a little and maaaybe even backed up to hide under the stairs, wishing to GOD I had brought my cell phone with me (which I always do, you know). Then I heard a “shut the hell up, man!” followed by laughing and high fives or hand shakes or whatever they do. I’ll have to learn what they call that little exchange. So after Hippie peed and I nearly peed my pants, I threw her under my arm and high tailed it up the stairs to pour myself a glass of wine.

And here I am. Laughing out loud at this little life I have. This little life that I LOVE so much.  I adore all of my neighbors in this building (and even Roderick a few buildings down!)  Im a firm believer that you can make ANYWHERE a home. Its all in how you look at it. And while I live here, this is my home. And I want everyone Im around to be just as happy that Im here as I am. They should all just be thankful my baking skills have improved in the last year or so.

Over the last few months, though I have had some idea of my future, I have just tried to get myself through each day. One day at a time. I make a list at the beginning of the day of the things I need to get done, and forget about what didnt get done the day before and ignore what needs to be done tomorrow. I set out to conquer that list for that one day. I make sure I have enough money for that day. I check the pantry to make sure we have enough food for that day. And thats it. It has been a day by day journey.

But then times like “New Years” come around. I always sit down the last week of December and write down a list of personal and professional goals for the year. Though most of the time, they have been roughly the same, with just some improvement here and there. I guess thats what happens when youre in a rut year after year…

But this year is different.

I have been on my own many many times before. Just never with 2 children. I was thinking today about the last time I lived alone. I had a boyfriend, and our lives became so entwined that when we were apart, it felt like I had absolutely nothing left. I remember going to bed when the sun went down so I didnt have to be alone in the dark. I would wake up and go to work everyday, go to school every night and not allow myself a second to sit and think about where I wanted my life to go. I HATED weekends. Ive never been big on going out to bars or partying, and in the age bracket I was in, that was just the norm. So I was home. Alone. A lot. I remember how I dreaded Friday nights… Saturdays… Saturday nights… Sundays… If I could have slept them away, I would have.

There came a point, though, that I realized I was wasting time, so I began to form a plan. It was a small plan, but it was something for me to look forward to. I started going to the gym, writing in coffee shops (cliche I know!), going to a wine tasting here and there, and hanging out with some friends of mine in a band; they had this practice room they called The Starship, and I was always invited to come along while they practiced. I filled journals with all kinds of ideas and thoughts and feelings. It was such a healing time for me. Soon after that, I learned to enjoy my own company. I could be alone without hating it. I was comfortable with myself.

I also met someone, who I have always affectionately called Frankie. He got into my soul and pulled things out I didnt know were there. We wrote together, came up with ideas together, encouraged each other to follow our dreams when everyone else said it was impossible. He helped me feel even more comfortable with myself because I was learning to really discover who I was. He was a breath of fresh air. And somehow, I was the same for him. Our paths diverged, but the things he taught me stayed. They were buried, but they stayed.

While I was married, I longed for those times again. I wished so badly that I didnt waste all those precious weekends. I wished that I hadnt been afraid to be alone in the dark. I wish I could have felt that kind of loneliness again… because feeling lonely when youre married is a hundred times worse than feeling lonely when you are, in fact, alone. I wished that I had dug deeper into finding out who I was in the quiet times. I wished I had spent more time with the people who saw something special in me. I wished over and over and OVER that I could have that opportunity again.

At the beginning of this year, after my husband and I seperated and then reunited, my best friend and I had a falling out. I still dont know what it was about to be honest. But she was my very best friend in this whole city and losing her made me feel like I did with that boyfriend years before. Completely empty. Though I was (and still am sometimes) sad about that, I handled this, um, “breakup” a little differently. I started to explore myself again. I filled my time with things I felt mattered. I found interest in new things. I started meeting new people. I started entering art shows, and meeting people who shared my heart, but were a little further along in understanding their identities than I was. I found these artists and entrepreneurs to be unbelievably fascinating. In fact, when I met my friend Amber, I remember thinking there was no one else on the planet as amazing as she was! She and I started collaborating ideas, writing in projects together and spending more time together, and she has inspired me in more ways than I can count.

Now, finding a new identity in the midst of a collapsing marriage is probably not the best timing… In fact, I knew this, because the same thing happened to my parents. Free spirited women do not belong with controlling men, and somehow I had repeated my mother’s history. Well, thats another story…

Throughout the rest of 2011, I not only began to remember who I was but I began discovering new things about myself. Maybe a lot had changed since becoming a mother and a wife, but I had forgotten that I was still Autumn. How did I allow that to get lost? How can I be any kind of example to my children to follow their hearts if I didnt even know where mine was? How could I help them be happy fulfilled little people if I was far from that?  

The turmoil I faced within myself from the spring until the fall is something unmatched in my entire life. I was utterly depressed. So depressed that I stopped eating and even when I started eating again, I could not regain any strength. I couldnt sleep. I cried all the time. I sat on the couch most days wishing for a different life. I wanted someone to understand what I really wanted out of life, and I wanted a way to do it. I wanted my kids to see me happy and healthy instead of sad and frail. I wanted to know which step to take next. I could fake smiles in public, but thats all they were- fake. I pushed myself through each day wondering if life had anything left for me. I had actually made peace with the fact that I was going to be miserable forever. I chose the life I had, so it was all my fault. And there seemed to be not one single way to change it… How could I possibly be 27 years old and feel like my life was already over? I cry thinking about that despair even as I write this…

During the summer, my life was forever changed at one event after meeting one person, and having one conversation. I had no idea what an important role that person would play in my life, and maybe thats best. All I know is I left that event different. Thats the only way I can describe it. Different.

A couple of months later, my husband and I separated again, and I cant even begin to describe what a horrible time that was. Making the decision to end a marriage is absolutely the hardest thing anyone could ever do. I dont think its fair to discuss the reasons behind it, but there were many. And once something is damaged that deeply and tremendously, there is just no going back.

There have been people planted in my life from the beginning of this year until the fall who have been complete life-changers. Amber is still one of my greatest comforts and sources of inspiration, and we continue to do art shows together. There are 2 or 3 others that I spend time with on a consistent basis and I honestly dont know how I would have ever had the courage to do what was right if it werent for them. The person I mentioned above is still the one who gives me the mose encouragement, support and love. Real love. The kind of love that makes me want to go out and conquer the world every single day. My mother says you only get that once or twice in a lifetime, and that our energies must be pretty powerful to make it through all it has.

I was thinking about all of this today. How unbelievably different my life is now compared to where it was a year ago. Im overwhelmed in a lot of ways. Overhelmed with gratefulness that I have the opportunity I longed for for so many years. Overwhelmed with love for the people who are in my life right now. Overwhelmed with love I have been given by a couple of other very special people. Overwhelmed with all of the help and support and graciousness people have offered. Its unreal sometimes…

But as I was saying at the beginning of this post, new years make me very reflective. I have taken my life a day at a time for a long time. And now I have the lifelong responsibility of myself and two little people who need me to fill more roles for them than I ever expected I would have to. In planning my professional and personal goals for 2012, Im reminded that I have come so far, yet I have a long way to go. Maybe I will always worry day by day if we have enough, if I make enough, if I give them enough, or if I am enough. Or maybe Ill overcome that and be able to focus on a scope larger than just the present day.

Im not afraid of long weekends. Im not afraid of lonely holidays. Im not afraid of being alone in the dark. I BEGGED God for this for years. And I got it. So I am taking full advantage of it. Though, I’ll admit, I didnt grasp the enormity of the responsibility I was placing on myself…

I use the darkness to pray, meditate, create, think or just lay and stare at a ceiling. I use weekends to spend extra time with my kids and do things we could never do before. I use holidays to express my love for other people, especially the ones who mean the world to me. Sometimes I get to be completely alone the way I need to be. And sometimes I get to spend time with the person who makes my soul feel alive. All these things are on my mind as I plan my new year. It will be interesting to see what I can come up with. But mostly, Im just grateful for the opportunity to feel again.

So goodbye to the most life-changing year I have had yet. With the deepest sadness and depression, I seemed to have come out of it happier and more in love with life than ever. And as scary and turbulent as it was, I would do it all over again to have the life and the love I have now.

Here’s to my health being strengthened and to an amazing new year.

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” -Hal Borland

My kids and I have moved into our new home, and I have somehow managed to continue working for myself while supporting the 3 of us. I still havent figured out how that happened except that I have been on this road for a long time, and probably without even realizing it, I was taking small steps over the last year to get me here. Somewhere in the last 4 months, I realized I could make anything I wanted to happen, happen. It’s a very powerful feeling, after believing for so long you cant do “anything”.

Of course, I’m not engouraging anyone to break up a family to pursue something selfishly. But I can say if you are being abused in any way, make plans, and get out. That’s all I have to say about that.

The kids and I have gotten relatively settled, and they are happier than Ive ever seen them. I imagine its because I’m happier than they have ever seen me. I feel safe and at peace, and I think they feel the same.

Because I have been working for myself, as an artist and a writer, I am learning many things. For one, writers and artists dont get paid a lot! It’s also very inconsistent. And if I were on my own, without children, perhaps I would have fewer expenses… but then where would all my inspiration come from?

I have had a hundred ideas swirling around in my head for a long time. Some of them have a few details attached to them here and there. Some of them are only ideas with no development to them whatsoever. Some are a little more developed. And one is already about to start bringing in a little income. However, ALL of my ideas have the potential to generate income. Its just a matter of ironing out the kinks, developing complete ideas and figuring out a way to execute them. Which is the hard part for an artist who just wants to flutter through life loving on strangers and painting anything that paint will adhere to. Yes, sticking to an idea even when it becomes challenging is, well, challenging.

So this afternoon, after I finished my daily work, I grabbed a pen and paper, and laid flat on my face in my bedroom floor. With my eyes closed, I allowed myself to think about all the ideas I have had floating in my head. I moved my head slightly every once in awhile to write them down… sloppily. Any project I’ve wanted to research more or explore its potential was written down.

I’m a list person.

The idea behind this exercise was to freely allow myself to brainstorm artistically-inspired, income-generating projects without talking myself out of them. I did not allow myself to develop any of the ideas. Yet.

Free of distraction, I thought. And I wrote. I’m thrilled to say that the list turned out better than I anticipated when I started. Tomorrow, I will pick one of the ideas and develop it. I will push through the challenges it presents, and I won’t let an impossibility make it impossible. I already know that if I can map out a plan, it can happen. I’ve done it lately with situations that seem impossible, and really, nothing is…

To the Dreamer
http://www.etsy.com/listing/89266078/to-the-dreamer-a-letter-and-a-hot-air

Not long after he came to me, I found out a little more about his family history, and his home-life. It was strikingly similar to mine at his age. His dad and I have had many talks about Mikey and his sister, how they are adjusting to a new place and a new life. He is a very hard worker, and I help wherever I can because I remember the turmoil my dad went through as a single parent trying to provide for 2 children. Even at a young age, I remember seeing my own dad cry and crack under the pressure of financially supporting us and trying to keep his own sanity. So when I see Mikey’s dad working late, I try to be as accommodating as possible, and keep Mikey as often as he needs for as long as he needs.

Lately, Mikey’s mom has come back into the picture- or I should say in and out of the picture. Mikey doesnt express how he feels very often. I have noticed that when he sees his mom, he is more quiet. He says, “I just want to play by myself for awhile”. Sometimes he makes startling comments about what things were like when he lived with his mom. His older sister, who I have kept a few times, has made even more startling comments. In fact, she and I have had a couple of very deep, serious conversations about things I probably wouldnt even discuss with most adults, let alone an 11 year old. But children who come from this type of background are often very mature and able to comprehend things well beyond their years. These 2 kids are no exception. They feel more deeply than other children because they have already been so deeply affected by situations outside of their control.

Yesterday, in front of his dad, Mikey said he didnt like coming over here anymore. It didnt hurt my feelings, really, as I knew about a situation going on at home. But it made me much more sensitive to what he was feeling. I had to let him know that I was here for him but that I was not his mom, and no one could ever replace his mom, which I think was part of what he was feeling… By mid-morning, he was back to his normal self, and the rest of the day was made perfect when he ran by me yelling, “I LOVE YOU MS. AUTUMN!!!!!”

Today, before nap, Mikey cried for the first time since I have started keeping him. It was just a little wimpery cry and an “I miss my mom…” I remember the feeling well… But he layed down by himself and tucked himself in, so I didnt think he wanted to talk about it.

Not long after, I heard sobbing…. sobbing and praying… I stood outside the door listening to him pour his heart out to God in a way that most adults cant even express. He was telling God how much he loved his mom and his sister, and to please please help them understand that. He told God how much he wanted to be loved and how sad he was. I honestly couldnt stand there very long because it just tore my heart up…

I walked in the door, but he was sitting on the other side blocking it. When he realized I was trying to get in, he moved over and said, “Im sorry, I was just praying.” I scooped that little boy up, sat in a rocking chair and held him close. I told him how special he was, how loved he was, what a good boy he was… Then he told me how much he missed his mom. I assured him that his mom loved him too and that he was safe. I told him that I know its hard and sometimes as kids, its hard to understand why adults do what they do. We talked about who he loves and who he knows loves him back. As I held him close, I remembered all the times I begged God to bring my mom back to me. To not have a mother close by as a child, I think can be one of the most disruptive, damaging things to a soul. My brother and I felt this pain for years and years… I felt today, once again, what I felt as a child, while brokenheartedly assuring Mikey that he didnt do anything wrong and that he was loved.

If only someone had told me that as a child…

I hope and pray that I can give Mikey a sense of love and security, even though Im not his mom… I hope that anytime I talk to him about his life and his heartache that I can impart something to him that helps him through it…

I wish all children had that…

We have gone through so many changes lately. Im trying to make decisions that are best for you and your brother, but sometimes, those decisions are really hard to make. Sometimes I make the wrong decisions and sometimes, thankfully, I make some good ones too. Ive given you as many “constants” as I can no matter where we are or what is going on- like giving you waffles with breakfast, keeping your special cup clean for apple juice, maintaining a solid sleeping schedule, keeping your favorite toys and stuffed animals close by, saying our prayers together, singing our favorite songs, and playing the same games.

You have handled everything very well, with only a few days here and there where you challenged every speck of patience I had. Certain days, I feel like a failure as a mommy, and I cant help but sob and beg for God to help me be strong for you, for baby and for myself. But even when Im having a really hard day, you give me new strength when I look at your sweet face…

You have been really sick the last couple of days. It seems to be a little stomach bug your brother gave you, but you have been such a sad little girl. After you used the restroom this evening, you just sat there and cried. So I scooped you up, took you to the couch and held you. I gave you some water and a cool, wet rag, snuggled you close and you put your little arms around me. You looked up into my eyes after I said a prayer for you, and you said, “Mommy… I sure love you…” We sat there for a long time just like that. Except there were tears in my eyes because I thought I was giving you what you needed, but really, you were giving me what I needed. Ive been sad lately, and Ive needed to be loved and held. You just reminded me how precious you are to me and how much I need you and your sweet soul. I love you…

Its time for you to go to bed now. But I wanted to thank you for pulling me through this day.

Love,
Mommy

I guess there are times in a my life that Im an open book and free to share my entire life with you all. During other times, I feel the need to protect myself and insist that privacy be respected. Very deeply personal things have happened since my last entry, and Ive actually sat here several times trying to think of something to share with all my readers, but I just couldn’t come up with anything positive or worth sharing that wouldnt bring more attention to the situation than there already was.

But it is now the month of November, and each day I have tried to focus on one think to be thankful for up until Thanksgiving. Really, this is a good exercise we could all benefit from doing EVERY day. While trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life, I think its time to allow myself to be free to write, create, craft and play again. Its been a terribly depressing few months, and Im hoping Ive seen the worst of it…

All that to say, Im sorry I left you all hanging in the middle of so many things going on! Allow me to catch you up.

It breaks my heart to say we will not be fostering any children. I know everyone was so excited, and believe me, I was BEYOND excited about it. But we have had to close our file and will not be pursuing it at this time… That was a sad, sad day for me…

I had a birthday! YAY! Amidst the turmoil, it was actually a pretty good birthday, or birth week as I like to call it. I got a new tattoo that says “Defy Gravity”, an ode to “Wicked”, and my life’s theme song.

Ive moved twice in the last couple of months, and now I am in Austin. I miss Pflugerville so much… Just something to adjust to, I suppose…

I decided a couple of months ago to go back to school. I hadnt been able to go before because I owed money to two schools back in Dallas, and I couldnt apply for aid until they were both paid in full. So I used advances from clients and paid them both. I havent been that excited about something in a LONG time. Then I found out a couple weeks ago that I also had to pay a student loan off. In full. Over $2000. I was so upset, and there just didnt seem to be a way to get that amount of money in just 3 weeks. (I needed to pay it by the end of November so I could have time to get my student aid before January’s semester.) After a long talk with a good friend, and a new attitude that I CAN get the money because its THAT important to me, I prayed hard and worked harder. Im proud to say I ALMOST have enough to pay that off as well. So Ill be back in school soon!!

Ive shown and sold several “cave paintings” at art shows the last couple of months. I started studying prehistoric cave paintings, and I found them to be so fascinating that I created my own collection. My favorites are the bird paintings. Thousands of years ago, people didnt have paint brushes to paint with so one of the techniques they used was blowing paint through bullhorns. Since I have not yet invested in a bullhorn, I used a straw, but they turned out just as fabulous.

Right now, Im working on some new pieces for a show this Wednesday. They are all very personal pieces… But one is so personal and so special to me, that I cant sell it. It is literally covered in my tears. Maybe I’ll post a pic when its finished…

Ive become a member of the promoting and marketing team of Austin Intercultural Network. Its such a fascinating group of culturally-diverse people. We talk about business, art, culture, adventures- all kinds of interesting things! Going to the meetings is one of the highlights of my month.

Business is going well. Ive gotten some new clients for writing/copywriting/editing so that has been keeping me busy (when Im not chasing kids around!)

Oh, that reminds me, I started keeping a little boy during the week. His name is Mikey, and hes 5. Such a sweet little thing, and he has quickly become Iris’ best friend. His dad has been really great about working around my 2 moves and its been great for my kids to have someone to play with while things have been so crazy! Very thankful for that boy…

Anyway, thats most of the good news I have to share. Now, dispite the fact that its the middle of November in Texas and still 80 degrees out, Im going to put up the Christmas tree.

Once upon a time, there was Eve and she lived with the firemen. Then the firemen gave me Eve, and she didnt feel so good. I gave her some medicine and some water and a trash can so she could throw up. Then she woke up and I opened the door and she was ok. She got a teddy bear to sleep with and now she sleeps in my bed. The end.

Such a happy ending….