A New Kind of Church

*I should preface this entry by saying this is not about one single church and these are my own ideas as I am on my own spiritual journey. I don’t care to debate with anyone. This is just what is on my heart and mind.

I haven’t been to church in months. Sadly, a lot of Christians don’t know how to react to divorce, and I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself or trash my ex-husband to get people to “take my side”. Besides that, I am open to studying other religions and cultures so that I can converse with people of other religions and cultures and be able to understand and relate to them. Unfortunately, Christians aren’t very open to this either. I was always taught growing up that you go to church, you sit there and listen, you don’t ask questions, you do what you’re told, and if you think, speak or even wonder if anything exists but the Bible, you are shunned. In my last church’s defense, they weren’t like that at all, but there were other reasons I felt I needed to move on.

I have been extremely opposed to ever going to church again. people ask when I’m coming back (as if I have gone off the deep end) and I always say that I might when I’m ready, but the truth is, I had no intentions of ever coming back to church again. I have spent 20 years in churches and I got tired of the judgment, the hypocrisy, the strict scheduling, the predictability (sing, preach, offering), the policies, the rules, the Christianese language that people don’t even understand what they’re saying (Hallelujah, Praise God, Amen, Glory to God, etc.), the speaking in Scripture to prove they know something and the inability to back it up, the “one way on Sunday morning” and “another way the rest of the time”. *sigh*

There are a lot of great aspects of church too, like the sense of community, the like-mindedness in beliefs, a safe environment for kids to learn, the sermons, the ability to give to a cause you believe in and the special events around holidays. But I had gotten to the point that I was no longer appreciating the good and I had grown tired of the bad.

I have wondered with a lot of frustration the last year what happened to Christianity. When did we go from purely loving Jesus and taking care of other people (regardless of faith, demographic or culture) and start doing this whole Modern Church Who Only Looks Out For Ourselves junk.

In my refusal to be a part of that again, I went to Church Under the Bridge in Austin this morning. I have been hesitant for months, but Iris keeps asking when we are going to church, and this was about as far as I was willing to go as far as any kind of organized church or religion is concerned. Church Under the Bridge is an organization run by members of various churches in the area who meet under the 6th Street bridge in Downtown Austin on Sunday mornings, where they offer food, coffee, music and teaching for the homeless community.

I have always known that I wanted to be close to the under-privileged (mainly children), but usually, when you are in church, you only get that opportunity when they come up for a program for it. I would rather it be a lifestyle. I want my kids (and myself) to see them as people and not as anything  less. If I have cash on me, I give it to homeless people when I see them, and not just that, I talk to them. I learn their names and their dog’s names, and I remember them the next time I see them. I used to pass by them with my head down. I think maybe I was scared of them. But I don’t want my kids to look at them this way… I want them to reach out to ANYONE who needs help ALWAYS because we are VERY privileged.

So back to Church Under the Bridge. I was really nervous about going. I wanted so badly for it to be a place where I felt the kids and I could be accepted, divorce and all! I hoped people would be nice to them and that we could serve the homeless community in some way. I expected a lot of church members and a few homeless.

It was the exact opposite!!

To be honest, this entire experience was totally different than I expected. Scary is maybe a better word. When you surround yourself with people who aren’t like you (this goes for any group gathering), its always a little scary, right? But this was different. This was like KeepYourKidsCloseBy scary. Some of the attendees are not mentally stable, and some act out and get taken to jail. I let the kids dance on the sidewalk to the music while people watched and danced along with them, but neither of them were allowed any further than maybe 8 inches from me. After the music, we wondered around and talked to some of the homeless attendees, and it was interesting because even though I was scared, I still sort of felt like I belonged. I had to be mindful of the situation I put us in but still make the best of the situation and know that we were there for a purpose.

I spent a good amount of time talking to a 12 year old girl who thinks life is too primitive for her, who firmly believes parents are idiots (as are most adults), who is not afraid of anything, who can speak 3 languages, who is only interested in you if you are going to went to Harvard, who thinks there is something wrong with the way people conducts their lives, who thinks a 1.5 million dollar house is perfectly manageable for the common person, and who cannot BELIEVE I don’t get the kids tetanus shots. I liked her.

I saw one lady walk up to a regular church member and give her a flash card. The church member kind of shook her head and put the card away. I thought that was so strange- if a homeless person, who has nothing but the clothes on their back and maybe a backpack, and they find something with a pretty picture on it that they think someone else might enjoy, and the receiver of that gift snubs it, how is that showing Christ’s love to that person? I wished I had been given that flash card…

There was another lady who walked up to me. She looked like she hadn’t bathed in weeks, but she had a purple flower in her hair, and she came to tell me about a job opportunity she heard of! She was really excited about it, so I told her it sounded great and I hope she gets it! A church member sort of rolled their eyes…. That disappointed me… I did, however, see other church members who were VERY gracious, who prayed with attendees, who hugged them and gave them food, who loved on them and made them feel welcome, which brought tears to my eyes.

The kids and I kept walking until we found an older man with a crooked smile and bright eyes. He had the tiniest little Chihuahua I have ever seen! Iris and Legend were so excited to go pet it, so the old man and I started talking. He told me how the dog came to him, which sounded more like a miracle than a chance happening. He seemed excited to tell his story, and said he needed to start writing these things down. I asked if he had a journal, which he did not, so I will be sure to bring him one next time I see him. This way, no matter how bad things get, he can always go back through his journal and see the good in his life- which we should all be doing. He told us his dog’s name was Bob. Actually he said “That’s Big Bob. I’m Little Bob.”  He was my favorite.

I think serving Christ means serving your community. And if you serve everyone in your community (not just the ones you choose), that comes with sacrifice. I may not have sat in a nice comfortable chair this morning in safe, air conditioned building with lights and a good sound system, listening to songs that everyone knew the words of, but I experienced something better. I sat on a filthy sidewalk under a bridge,  in the middle of a hurting world, with all the brokenness and smells that come with it. I spoke life into people who may not have heard it otherwise today. I was anticipating giving the jacket off my back and the shoes off my feet to the anyone who needed it. And I would have done it in a second because I think Jesus would have done the same thing. I saw the type of love today between church members and homeless attendees that was beautiful, uncomfortable, scary, humble and TRUE. It was what I have been looking for all this time. Though I may not go every single Sunday, I look forward to finding more ways to love on the people that are not as privileged as I am. I think it will require a lot of dedication, strength, bravery, acceptance and patience from me, but living with purpose and love should require nothing less.

Prayer and Meditation- Day 1

Dont worry-Im not going to update every day.  So you wont see a mundane repitition of the same “hey, I prayed and I feel great today” post. However, I think its important to celebrate small victories and I believe today was one.

I woke up promptly at 6:30 AM, grabbed my yoga mat and a Scripture I wrote down the night before, and sat outside to pray and meditate. Because of my severe anxiety and lack of peace in my own head, I decided to meditate on the words “be still and know”. So that was my launching point. The goal was to sit there for 15 minutes in silence, to calm my mind and prepare myself for the day. I also wanted God to know He was the first thing on my mind first thing in the morning. This was my time offering to Him. I fully believed that if I began giving Him the first few minutes of my day, He would help me through the rest of it.

So I sat there, felt the breeze of the morning just after the sun rose. I breathed it in, and said in my mind as I breathed out “be still and know”. This went on for a few minutes. I concentrated on being calm and breathing deeply, something I havent been able to do in so long due to being so sick (Ill post another day on how my mother in law got me through that with some vitamins and natural supplements). It felt good to breathe.

The morning birds sang their wake-up songs, and our field rabbit that my daughter feeds carrots to, came through the hole in the bottom of the fence. She has named him Pear.

I began to thank God for another day to be a mom to my babies, and of course, thanked Him for their protection. I asked Him to help me with anxiety today, and no matter what the day held for me, help me get through it with grace and a peaceful spirit.

I ended up sitting there for 20 minutes until I felt ready to take on the day.

Five minutes later, a friend form church texted me saying she needed me to take care of one of her kids today, and she was literally less than a minute from my house. A day ago even, this would have sent me into a tizzy of anxiety- how am I going to get everything done with an extra kiddo on my busiest day of the week? Mondays are my laundry/house cleaning days. But I responded with a calm, “yes, bring her on over.” And I didnt feel the slightest tinge of “ugh… what am I going to do?!” I was just happy to help a friend, and that was it. Happy and peaceful. Well this was a change!

And do you know- I got the house and laundry done in record time? 6 loads of laundry!  By 11 am, everything was done, the baby was napping, the kitchen was clean, the playroom was clean, and I was making lunch- not in a hurried “I have to finish this so I can clean the living room, make the beds, empty the dishwasher, finish a website, and fill print orders” way that I normally would. I just stood there, half-smiling, stirring the mac & cheese, happy we had food to feed these kids. Weird, right?

Then I had a phone conversation with someone who, without saying too much now, gave me some hope for the very near future. Its something that has been on my mind a lot for the last few months and has kept me up at night worrying, but it seems that this may actually fall into place and work out perfectly.

A couple of other minute things that people probably wouldnt normally give a second thought about, but have actually been wearing me out with the amount of brain space they take up, worked out this afternoon. And now, everyone has eaten dinner, the house is still clean, the baby is sleeping, and I am about to work on a painting.  

Im so thankful that today was a success. No anxiety. No gut-churning feelings. No headaches. No crying. No mid afternoon nap because Im too depressed to continue with the day. Just stillness…

In Search of a word

This is something we are all familiar with. We all have a word, a name, a nickname that people associate with us. The nickname that has stuck with me my entire life is Auttie. Later, there became other vatiations of this, such as Auttie Pop, Autter Pop, Auttie Ducati (from a friend in college! haha), and of course Fall, an, ahem, HILARIOUS play on words. Very creative everyone…..

In my teenage/adult years, however, I have always tried to assiciate other words with myself. I have always liked the idea that beaufitul words could be assiciated with little ol’ me. For example, penguins are lovely to me. There are so many amazing attributes to penguins. They have always been fascinating to me. As a teenager, friends and I started coming up with what we called “penguin jokes”. This was a silly activity where you build up an elaborate story or joke, hoping for a hilarious punchline, but end it with something normal a penguin might do. People were forced to laugh because it was such a ridiculous joke that made absolutely no sence, and people either laugh when something is funny or they laugh when they dont know what else to do. Dont judge- It was something to keep us entertained on long drives to mission fields.

From this silly penguin joke-creating, I started to be called “the penguin master”. It stuck for a few years. My email and all my passcodes to everything reflected this. (dont bother trying to hack me using this now though!) I liked knowing that some silly thing we all came up with gave me a new nickname. A new word, if you will, to be associated with me.

Fast forwward to my more adult years, I began a project with a girlfriend that was shortlived unfortunately. But during the project she always called me her “muse”. And at that time, everyone I knew called me “Lady”. Thus “Lady Muse” was born, and that stuck for a long time. In fact, I still have an email address using this name because it was such an amazingly inspiring time of my life when this name came about.

I like when people take their nicknames or their words and incorporate them into their real names too. I have one friend whos nickname “Ducky” is the only name people know her by. I have another new friend- and this is a good one- whos name is B.E. Strange. I think his first name is really Brandon, and I have no idea if Strange is his real last name, but strange he is! In a good way of course. He has embraced that word and made it his name. Or made that name his word. I dont know him well enough to know which.

In Eat, Pray, Love, the author and main character is asked what word is associated with New York City. She says “achieve”. She decides the word for Rome is “sex”. So what was to be her word?

She spends the rest of her journey trying to figure that out. Her word is not to be something she does, such as “writer”. Her word is not a relation to someone, such as “aunt”. Im not finished with the book, but I assume she figures out her word by the end, and Ill let you know.

Now, as part of my new project (which I havent told you about yet- be patient!) I am in search of my word.

…the way sunlight amuses itself on water…

I dont like change.

A better way to say it is I DESPISE change.

But a LOT of things have been changing lately, and I feel that Im losing control of my mind. Literally losing my mind. I feel like everything is out of balance. Im anxious, scared, emotional as a 2 year old, I cant sleep, and my body is in complete rebellion.

Last week, I finally and accidentally watched “Eat, Pray, Love”, and afterwards, I just had to read the book. A girlfriend of mine in Oklahoma promptly sent me her copy, and three days later, Im almost finished with it.

It is interesting because the author goes on a spiritual journey, and though I dont agree with all her thoughts and answers to her own questions, I do like that she is at least asking those questions and seeking some kind of resolution. Afterall, how does someone really know what they believe if they never ask questions?

One of the many things I am taking away from this book is that meditation is key to calming the mind. Sloooow down, Im not going off into some weird cult or anything, geez. I understand that a lot of religions and Eastern traditions expect-demand even- that you chant mantras or prayers to tangible objects, often times gods. No matter what, I know that GOD is the only One I will pray to. But I think there are some amazing truths to their ancient teachings that we Westerners might benefit from. Calming the mind by meditating in prayer, on Scripture (mind you, this is what I choose to do) and experiencing peace and sitting still may take my anxiety down a few notches and get my body back in line.

Also, I would like for my mind and body to be more in sync, not in discord.

I want to give GOD the first few minutes of my day- an offering in time if you will.

I want to not fly off the handle anytime something doesnt go my way.

I want to live in peace.

I want to study the Bible and other religions. I think we are often scared of or intimidated by things we do not know or understand.

I want to practice yoga- like the Easterners do, not like modern Westerners do.

I want to know God and Christ deeper.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says it so perfectly, “I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.”