Letter to Legend, May 2012

Dear Legend,

I think I skipped over you and wrote two letters to your sister in a row! I’m so sorry. I’ll kiss your cheeks DOUBLE today!

Your little personality has really started to show up in the last few months- you are now this doe-eyed, stubborn, mischievous little Mama’s boy, and Lord knows what to do with you!

First of all, let’s discuss the poop flinging. I don’t know where that came from, since your sister never had the slightest interest in her poop whatsoever. But you seem to find it fascinating. For awhile, every single morning when I came to get you out of your crib, you would be covered in poo. So I would tell you how disease-ridden your poop was (what? I’m dramatic…), scoop you up and bath you. Then I would clean poo off the bed, walls, toys, pillows, sheets, stuffed animals, etc. I finally had to start putting you to bed with nothing but a blanket, because poor Cocoa the Bear couldn’t handle one more trip through the washing machine. In a desperate attempt to get advice on what to do, I consulted Facebook. I’m not sure how mothers coped before social media was invented. But someone had the idea to cut out the feet of your feetie-pajamas, and put it on backwards so you couldn’t unzip it. BRILLIANT! And it totally worked!!!! A few weeks of that, and you were cured. For the most part.

You climb on EVERYTHING. Not just that. You climb to the highest point of something and jump. Fortunately, you are smart enough to cushion your landing by placing pillows or bean bags underneath you. And I can’t stop you. You have gotten to fast for me. Little stinker.

You loooove Play Doh! I have been searching for something that would hold your interest for longer periods of time than 2 minutes. And I have discovered that water and Play Doh are magic. We have a table on the patio where I placed a little blue basket of Play Doh, spoons, cookie cutters, and the cake-making set Play Doh makes. You will sit there making things for hours, and I try to tolerate the little pieces that get stuck in the carpet. Now, how do we get Play Doh un-stuck off the balcony? No friggin’ idea.

You transitioned into a big boy bed last month! YAY! I got you a bed just like Sissy’s except on the opposite side of the room because I know how siblings fight at bedtime (I have a few brothers and sisters I picked on…). I set it up in yall’s room next to your crib and decided that your crib could just stay up until our lease was up. In November. In 6 months.

That didn’t last long. I bruised my shin pretty bad maneuvering through toys, tables, dressers and beds, so one day while you, Sissy and Mikey were playing on the patio, I poured a cup of coffee and sat in your room. I had a long, hard think, and ok, a long hard cry. You see, you have always been my little baby. When your sister turned 2, I remember feeling the dread of her growing up. But because you were in my belly, growing strong and healthy, I knew I had another chance to raise a little baby. Then our lives changed, and our family was redefined. With me as the only parent in the equation, you have become my last baby.

I made the decision to give you and Iris a better life than what you were born into. I decided that you needed more love and affection and attention and guidance, and a much better example to follow, and I felt that I could provide that better alone than I could with a partner, given the horrendous situation we were all living in. One of the heaviest things on my mind before I chose to move on was “Can I live with not having any more babies?” This may sound like a selfish question because so many women never get to experience the joy of having only ONE child, let alone two incredibly amazing and healthy children. But I always wanted a house full of children running around and I had always envisioned having this. As our lives began to change, I knew I would have to be at peace with the fact that you and Iris were going to be my only children.

This is both incredible and heart breaking. Because, you see, you aren’t a baby anymore. You had your first haircut. You talk to me in almost complete sentences. You crawl in bed with me every single morning and say “Hi mommy. luuuuv you.” You aren’t in baby clothing anymore. You notice everything around you. You are a studier and a thinker. You know how to use a fishing pole. You can dress yourself. You struggle between fighting for your independence and being attached to my hip on a minute-by-minute basis. You prefer to walk by yourself. You even walk down the stairs by yourself. Which by the way, let me point out, that I always walk in front of you so I can catch you if you fall, and the injury I received while saving your head from hitting the other stairs the other day will definitely remain as a scar. You’re welcome.

I am told that I baby you. I even still call you Baby sometimes. But it’s because you are my last sweet precious little baby, and it tears me up that you are nearly 2 years old. When Iris turned 2, you were growing inside of me. When you turn two, the only thing growing inside of me will be the overwhelming love I have for you. I cannot complain. I couldn’t ask for two more amazing babies. When you bat your little blue eyes at me, my heart melts. And when you say please after I’ve said no 5 times, well, you can have whatever you want.

I have been putting off your birthday party plans (even though I’m usually good at planning months ahead) because birthdays are hard for your mommy. But though I may have to fight tears through it, I am going to plan your little party to celebrate your life. Your healthy, amazing, sweet-spirited, loving little life. Without your snuggles, plump cheeks to smooch, big blue eyes to stare into, and long blonde hair to play with, my life just wouldn’t be the same.

One day you are going to read this. And I want you to know that the last few months have been overwhelmingly challenging in a hundred ways. I’m so sorry for the days that I run around working and hardly get to spend time with you. I’m sorry for the times that I have to shut myself in my room for a good cry. I’m sorry if you ever feel like I don’t hold and cuddle you enough. But I also want you to know that everything I am doing now is laying a strong foundation so that you, your sister and I can have a good, fulfilled life, where we can spend lots of time together in the very near future.

You are an incredible little boy. I love when you sing lullabies with me. And I love when you give me Eskimo kisses. Let’s do that more often, my sweet boy.

I love you.
Mommy

Things I say Everyday…

While I work from home, I also have the job of taking care of 3 children every. single. day. On days that I repeat the same things 100 times, I feel like I should just leave a tape recorder running so that I can conserve some of my energy. Here are some things I say at LEAST once a day, but usually many, MANY more than that…

Don’t throw toys off the balcony onto passers-by.

Don’t pick the dog up by her ear.

Get your hair out of your mouth.

Get your foot out of your mouth.

Get that rock out of your mouth.

Get that Play-Do out of our mouth.

Get the paint water out of your mouth.

NOTHING GOES IN YOUR MOUTH EXCEPT YOUR FOOD AND YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!!!

Let’s not eat upside down.

Yes, I will carry you until you’re in college.

Dvd’s are not frisbees.

We don’t spit.

We never ever ever wake a sleeping baby.

Yes, Mikey is coming tomorrow.

Yes, we can have peanut butter and jelly.

No you cannot have candy.

Can you please talk to me in English? Mommy isn’t fluent in Spanish or Chinese.

Stay in bed.

The baby is not something we throw.

Quit turning on the dishwasher.

No, today is not Christmas.

We don’t open car doors when we’re driving.

We color on paper, not the walls. Or the furniture. Or the oven. Or the dishwasher. Or the baby.

Yes, I am magic.

Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere.

Sunshine and roses?

No… It isn’t all sunshine and roses. I paint a picture of things being fun and happy and perfect sometimes, so when I talk to someone close to me about personal things, they are confused. “I thought everything was going so well!” they say.

Well, yes, it is! But….

People don’t know about all the conflict, tears, hard decisions and pain that still come with every day. There is a constant struggle to overlook the bad and focus on the good. It would be SO easy to let the bad take over and ruin all the good, but I want better for the kids and me than that.

Though it’s only Wednesday, I have had two pretty major things happen that could have really discouraged me. One occurred in my business; it was what I would consider a significant setback, and I allowed myself about 5 minutes to sort of “grieve” over it. Then I spent a lot of time figuring out how I (and the business) would recover from it.  After awhile, I figured out a good way to counteract that setback, which will end up being much better financially, and the business will definitely benefit from it. It would have been much easier to sulk about this situation and call it a day. I could have posted on Facebook about how upset or discouraged I was. I could have called a couple of people and ranted about it. Instead, I found a way to fix it. Then I probably posted on Facebook about how great my business was doing.

The other thing that happened this week was on a personal level. The conflict was so hard for me to process, all I could really do was cry. A lot. And for a long time. I always try to do what is best for Iris and Legend, but sometimes, what’s best is fuzzy. I could make a decision one way or the other, but I don’t like making decisions out of anger- or any kind of intense emotion. So while a situation is deeply personal and emotions are involved, it’s sometimes hard to separate my feelings from the logic of it so that I can make the right decision. (This is when it’s good to have a reasonable man around.) As hard as the decision ended up being, I THINK it was the best one for the kids. I think. I hope…

I’m tearing up even as I write this. Iris and Legend are my world. I want to give them everything that I think is important, and sometimes I feel like I am not capable of it because I’m only one person. But I hope, I mean, I really, really hope that one day, they understand how much I love them and that no matter how hard a decision is or was, it’s for them…

…And now I think I just want to hold them for the rest of the day…

Rosemary-Scented Turkey Quesadillas w/Fruit Salsa!

Ok, so I didn’t come up with this all by myself. I had the help of Pinterest. But this recipe is my own version because I had to use ingredients on hand. Going to the grocery store with a bunch of kids makes me want to get in and out as quickly as possible! If I pass an aisle that had something on my list, TOO BAD- we’re going without this week. Gotta keep moving! This is great for eliminating meltdowns, but not so good for preparing meals I planned. Thus, I did not have all the ingredients I needed to make the version I found on Pinterest, but here is what I did. Keep in mind, I made enough for myself and 3 kids. You may need to add to the recipe if you are feeding a big strappin’ man.

1 chopped celery stalk
1/4 of a chopped onion
pinch of salt/pepper
1 cup chopped fruit (I used strawberries, peaches and pineapples)
1/2 lb ground turkey
1 tsp EVOO
1 tbsp dried rosemary
2 tortillas (per quesadilla you are making)
1 cup shredded cheese

For the fruit salsa, just cut up the fruit into tiny bite-sized pieces and place in a bowl. Add the chopped onions, chopped celery stalk, a pinch of salt and pepper, and set aside.

Cook the ground turkey just like you normally would- I add a touch of EVOO, salt and pepper.  Then add the rosemary and take a whiff of that! YUMM!

Heat a skilled to medium heat and cover the bottom with EVOO. Spoon your rosemary turkey on top, followed by a spoonful of fruit salsa and shredded cheese. Make sure you get shredded cheese near the outside of the tortilla, so it will stick to the top tortilla. Lay a second tortilla on top, let the cheese melt for a few seconds, and flip the whole quesadilla so the other tortilla gets a little crispy. (About a minute or so on each side.) Then add more fruit salsa to the top and serve.

I had leftover celery with mine. And sauteed mushrooms to make myself feel fancy since I was eating off of a plastic plate.

Enjoy!

A New Kind of Church

*I should preface this entry by saying this is not about one single church and these are my own ideas as I am on my own spiritual journey. I don’t care to debate with anyone. This is just what is on my heart and mind.

I haven’t been to church in months. Sadly, a lot of Christians don’t know how to react to divorce, and I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself or trash my ex-husband to get people to “take my side”. Besides that, I am open to studying other religions and cultures so that I can converse with people of other religions and cultures and be able to understand and relate to them. Unfortunately, Christians aren’t very open to this either. I was always taught growing up that you go to church, you sit there and listen, you don’t ask questions, you do what you’re told, and if you think, speak or even wonder if anything exists but the Bible, you are shunned. In my last church’s defense, they weren’t like that at all, but there were other reasons I felt I needed to move on.

I have been extremely opposed to ever going to church again. people ask when I’m coming back (as if I have gone off the deep end) and I always say that I might when I’m ready, but the truth is, I had no intentions of ever coming back to church again. I have spent 20 years in churches and I got tired of the judgment, the hypocrisy, the strict scheduling, the predictability (sing, preach, offering), the policies, the rules, the Christianese language that people don’t even understand what they’re saying (Hallelujah, Praise God, Amen, Glory to God, etc.), the speaking in Scripture to prove they know something and the inability to back it up, the “one way on Sunday morning” and “another way the rest of the time”. *sigh*

There are a lot of great aspects of church too, like the sense of community, the like-mindedness in beliefs, a safe environment for kids to learn, the sermons, the ability to give to a cause you believe in and the special events around holidays. But I had gotten to the point that I was no longer appreciating the good and I had grown tired of the bad.

I have wondered with a lot of frustration the last year what happened to Christianity. When did we go from purely loving Jesus and taking care of other people (regardless of faith, demographic or culture) and start doing this whole Modern Church Who Only Looks Out For Ourselves junk.

In my refusal to be a part of that again, I went to Church Under the Bridge in Austin this morning. I have been hesitant for months, but Iris keeps asking when we are going to church, and this was about as far as I was willing to go as far as any kind of organized church or religion is concerned. Church Under the Bridge is an organization run by members of various churches in the area who meet under the 6th Street bridge in Downtown Austin on Sunday mornings, where they offer food, coffee, music and teaching for the homeless community.

I have always known that I wanted to be close to the under-privileged (mainly children), but usually, when you are in church, you only get that opportunity when they come up for a program for it. I would rather it be a lifestyle. I want my kids (and myself) to see them as people and not as anything  less. If I have cash on me, I give it to homeless people when I see them, and not just that, I talk to them. I learn their names and their dog’s names, and I remember them the next time I see them. I used to pass by them with my head down. I think maybe I was scared of them. But I don’t want my kids to look at them this way… I want them to reach out to ANYONE who needs help ALWAYS because we are VERY privileged.

So back to Church Under the Bridge. I was really nervous about going. I wanted so badly for it to be a place where I felt the kids and I could be accepted, divorce and all! I hoped people would be nice to them and that we could serve the homeless community in some way. I expected a lot of church members and a few homeless.

It was the exact opposite!!

To be honest, this entire experience was totally different than I expected. Scary is maybe a better word. When you surround yourself with people who aren’t like you (this goes for any group gathering), its always a little scary, right? But this was different. This was like KeepYourKidsCloseBy scary. Some of the attendees are not mentally stable, and some act out and get taken to jail. I let the kids dance on the sidewalk to the music while people watched and danced along with them, but neither of them were allowed any further than maybe 8 inches from me. After the music, we wondered around and talked to some of the homeless attendees, and it was interesting because even though I was scared, I still sort of felt like I belonged. I had to be mindful of the situation I put us in but still make the best of the situation and know that we were there for a purpose.

I spent a good amount of time talking to a 12 year old girl who thinks life is too primitive for her, who firmly believes parents are idiots (as are most adults), who is not afraid of anything, who can speak 3 languages, who is only interested in you if you are going to went to Harvard, who thinks there is something wrong with the way people conducts their lives, who thinks a 1.5 million dollar house is perfectly manageable for the common person, and who cannot BELIEVE I don’t get the kids tetanus shots. I liked her.

I saw one lady walk up to a regular church member and give her a flash card. The church member kind of shook her head and put the card away. I thought that was so strange- if a homeless person, who has nothing but the clothes on their back and maybe a backpack, and they find something with a pretty picture on it that they think someone else might enjoy, and the receiver of that gift snubs it, how is that showing Christ’s love to that person? I wished I had been given that flash card…

There was another lady who walked up to me. She looked like she hadn’t bathed in weeks, but she had a purple flower in her hair, and she came to tell me about a job opportunity she heard of! She was really excited about it, so I told her it sounded great and I hope she gets it! A church member sort of rolled their eyes…. That disappointed me… I did, however, see other church members who were VERY gracious, who prayed with attendees, who hugged them and gave them food, who loved on them and made them feel welcome, which brought tears to my eyes.

The kids and I kept walking until we found an older man with a crooked smile and bright eyes. He had the tiniest little Chihuahua I have ever seen! Iris and Legend were so excited to go pet it, so the old man and I started talking. He told me how the dog came to him, which sounded more like a miracle than a chance happening. He seemed excited to tell his story, and said he needed to start writing these things down. I asked if he had a journal, which he did not, so I will be sure to bring him one next time I see him. This way, no matter how bad things get, he can always go back through his journal and see the good in his life- which we should all be doing. He told us his dog’s name was Bob. Actually he said “That’s Big Bob. I’m Little Bob.”  He was my favorite.

I think serving Christ means serving your community. And if you serve everyone in your community (not just the ones you choose), that comes with sacrifice. I may not have sat in a nice comfortable chair this morning in safe, air conditioned building with lights and a good sound system, listening to songs that everyone knew the words of, but I experienced something better. I sat on a filthy sidewalk under a bridge,  in the middle of a hurting world, with all the brokenness and smells that come with it. I spoke life into people who may not have heard it otherwise today. I was anticipating giving the jacket off my back and the shoes off my feet to the anyone who needed it. And I would have done it in a second because I think Jesus would have done the same thing. I saw the type of love today between church members and homeless attendees that was beautiful, uncomfortable, scary, humble and TRUE. It was what I have been looking for all this time. Though I may not go every single Sunday, I look forward to finding more ways to love on the people that are not as privileged as I am. I think it will require a lot of dedication, strength, bravery, acceptance and patience from me, but living with purpose and love should require nothing less.

20 things running through my head

I used to do this exercise often. When I have a bunch of things running through my mind and it all seems like a big confusing blob of meaninglessness, I would write them all down, and get rid of them. or pick one and write/paint about it. The idea is that I have to write down the first 20 things that pop in my head (and most of them will have already gone through my mind several times today…) Let’s see what we come up with.

1. I hate when I find girls who are way more awesome than me.
2. I’m kinda scared to finish the book I’m reading.
3. I wish I could fry my okra like Grandy’s does.
4. I am tempted to throw my blank canvas over the balcony.
5. My arms are SO STRONG!
6. My computer is glitching- did you see that?
7. So glad I finished another writing project today.
8. I’m no princess.
9. Even though my dreams tell me the future, they should give me better time lines.
10. I can’t believe I lost my favorite necklace.
11.  I HATE BEING IGNORED.
12. When I’m caught up with Glee, I have some more writing projects to start on.
13. I need to go visit my river.
14. I love meditating on my balcony in the morning because I get sun-kissed cheeks.
15. When people are genuine, it is easy to love them and their flaws.
16.  I wish I knew more genuine people.
17. I’m proud that I repaired my own garbage disposal today.
18. Jumping on top of a warm pile of clean laundry may be the highlight of my day.
19. I’m doing my best…
20. I really need a stuffed animal.

Dancing Star

Generally, if I’m going through something really, really difficult, I won’t write or talk about it until I have either resolved the issue or I at least have a good grasp or understanding of what the issue is; by that point I can make sense of it or I have an idea of what step I need to take to get the issue- whatever it is- dealt with.

The issue the last few months that has been very VERY difficult to come to terms with is the loneliness. And not just “come to terms with” but also to embrace it and use it for my benefit. It has proven to be MUCH more challenging than I thought.

I remember when I first got my own place, I said I wasn’t scared of being lonely and that I wanted to be alone and I needed to be alone- all of that was and still is true. To an extent. I think its important for everyone to have some time to themselves to reflect on their lives, the decisions they have made, the goals they want to accomplish, who they are, who they want to be, etc. But being TOO alone for TOO long is not a good thing. I work from home, so there are no co-workers. I don’t “belong” to any kind of organization or church anymore. I lost about 95% of my friends in what I like to call The Aftermath. And the friends I kept still live back in Dallas. *sigh*

You know when people feel lonely- a desperate kind of lonely, they tend to do things they regret. They forget about the standards they have for themselves and forget the direction they intended to go. They ignore their gut, they spend time with people that aren’t good for them and they end up having to back-track to fix mistakes they made. Fortunately for me, having kids doesn’t allow me to do anything like that. I have a deep conviction to do what is best for them no matter what the cost. So instead of filling my loneliness with things (or people) that would be bad for me, I spend a lot of it thinking and crying. (Don’t worry, I’m not throwing a pity party; I have a point.)

One of my favorite quotes is “There must be chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.” (Fredrich Nietzsche) If I don’t recognize that something needs to be changed, I won’t change it. If I don’t feel an unsettling about something, I won’t have the motivation to fix it. If I were NOT lonely, I wouldn’t try to build relationships that I WANT to have in my life.

In the last couple of weeks especially, I have cried a lot. One night was so hard that I cried on the couch. Cried in my room. Cried in bed. Cried in the bathroom. Drank some water. Cried in the kitchen. Took some headache medicine and cried back in my room. It was miserable. I haven’t cried that much in a long time.  I have heard people say “nothing good comes from crying” or “no sense in crying” or whatever. That isn’t true- it was like crying gave me a new strength, a new resolve to change things. Without that chaos in my soul, I may not have gotten to the place that I was ready to let people back into my life, especially after feeling so betrayed. And I probably wouldn’t have gotten to a point that I could make my own pain work for me.

Of course “people” can’t fill voids in my life. They shouldn’t. I should be happy with who I am, where I am, know that there are things I want to change, but still be ok with where I’m at. This has been the biggest challenge- the balance of being content with where I am while being discontent enough to change things. For an “all or nothing” kind of girl like me, this is especially hard. I would rather be totally fine or a complete wreck. Oh, who am I kidding- thats usually how it is anyway.

But seriously. I have had the time to think. (and, yes, cry…) To decide exactly what I want out of life. To choose what direction I want to go. To explore new hobbies (rock climbing!), meet new people, try new things. I’m rediscovering who Autumn truly is and was meant to be on every level. And I have the freedom to- as long as I can do it with the kids! Even with that as a challenge, I’m learning to work around it.

ALL that to say, if you need to feel, FEEL. If you need to cry, CRY. If you need to have that chaos in your soul, then let it all out! So embrace your own tear-soaked, mascara-stained pillows and let your pain give birth to a dancing star.

Four months in!

The kids and I have lived here for 4 months. Living with other people was a HUGE blessing for its time, but having our own place is something I feel like I can’t be thankful for enough!

Though, sadly, sometimes I find myself in a funk. It usually takes a day or two to figure out a good reason, and most of the time it is linked to stress or frustration or the fact that I want to do so much more and I’m impatient. I know I’m in this transition phase right now, and while a LOT of things are lining up and working out way more perfect than I could have imagined, I feel like I have work to do in so many other areas. I am setting my life up so that when my lease is up here, I have the freedom to do whatever I want. Literally- what EVER I want. I still have about 8 months to go, which means I have only 8 months to reach a bunch of goals.

These include the following:
Buying a car with cash (NO car payment!)
Having nice furniture in my living and dining rooms (well on my way there!)
Setting up my business so that I can have the freedom to explore Austin, the country and the world
Being able to afford preschool for the kids 3 days a week (I have them signed up for the fall, and I’m close to meeting this goal)
Being back in school myself (the goal is to start in the fall)
Being able to afford a house or duplex in south Austin (I need a yard!!!!)
Being at peace in my mind (a daily goal)
Having the ability, time and financial means to allow my kids to explore their interests (Iris is in ballet, so that’s a start)
Owning only what is necessary, freeing my life of “junk”
Making GOOD friends and building GOOD relationships
Have time for more community involvement

Some of these may not be complete at the end of 8 months, but they will be close! Plus, if I don’t aim high, then I’m not challenging myself. The downside of this is that I always feel like I should be doing something so I get overwhelmed.  The upside is that I know I have the means and ability to redefine my life and I love how it is working out.

So let’s see- now that I have listed the goals I have yet to accomplish, what have I done in the last 4 months that I can be proud of and rest in?

I paid two huge student loan debts.
I have increased my business’ income by about 500%.
I have maintained a VERY low living-budget, creatively making ends meet, so I can save for a car. (Meanwhile we have been borrowing other people’s vehicles and I’m blown away by their generosity)
Sold a ton of unused things in my storage to pay for things to make our house a home- we now have a flatscreen tv, a tv stand, a nice couch, home decor, throw pillows (girls love throw pillows!), curtains, and groceries a few times
I have found a hobby that I deeply enjoy- rock climbing
I have been learning how to manage my time in a way that I have plenty of time for work and my kids. This gets better everyday, though it meant/means cutting out a lot of things I USED to do or have time for.

And most importantly, I have maintained an overall peaceful, happy life for the kids and me. Most of the time. Yes, sometimes we have terrible days when I cry for a good hour or so after they go to bed. It’s more of a release I think. I try hard even on our worst days to hold it together long enough for them to make it to bed without witnessing a meltdown. And then I just sort of fall apart for a little while. But I expected that a long time ago, so I guess it’s just part of it…

It helps having evenings to myself to regroup. I pour a glass of wine, turn on some music and work on my art. My sales are way better than they have ever been, and I constantly have orders to work on- it’s pretty amazing. Some nights I journal or doodle, some nights I zone out in a bubble bath, some nights I sit out on my balcony and just breathe, and some nights I watch Glee reruns and ball my eyes out. Oh don’t act like Glee doesn’t make you cry!!

I’m curious to see what the next 4 months bring. Hopefully only good… I’ll hope for only good…

Letter to Iris March 2012

Dear Iris,

In the last few months, you have challenged me in so many ways. I remember before we moved into our new home, you had a really bad fever for a few days, and all you wanted to do was “hold me” as you say. I remember feeling like you were giving me strength and making me feel loved when I felt anything but that. I had hoped that in the month that followed, you would instinctively give me that same love and strength.

Instead, I have had to give you all the love and strength, draining me daily. Don’t worry, I refill each evening with a glass of wine. Don’t read this until you’re 21.

I have had to be sensitive to you while we transitioned into our new life and routine. And though you seemed to ease right into it, things have been very different. See, I have always known you to be a free spirit. You do what you want when you want because you want. You are ME as a child. And while I have wanted to give you the freedom to explore and choose, I fear I gave you too much too soon. Because you took any ounce of freedom and ran with it. And took advantage of it. Smart little thing.

So I have had to be more consistent in correcting you, demand that you listen the first time ALWAYS, and follow through in discipline. I allow you to make as many choices as you can handle, but you now have limits. You have more rules and more guidelines that we ALL have to stick to…

This, my dear girl, is a LOT of work.

Some days, I feel like I’m on you all day long. It really started to get to me a month or so ago. I wondered (still wonder!) if you are getting enough one-on-one time with me. I wanted to make sure you weren’t just being corrected but you were getting the love and attention you needed too. We spend every evening together after Baby goes to bed talking or watching a movie or painting our nails or coloring. I always ask you if you need to ask me any questions or if there is something you don’t understand. I want to be sure you are happy where we are and that you are enjoying our little life.

So far, you haven’t asked a lot of questions. You mostly state things matter-of-factly like “We live in our house. And Daddy lives in his house.” I ask if that’s ok with you, and thankfully, you have always said “yes”. Sometimes, you talk about “our old house” and how you had your own room. Sometimes you talk about missing your “sister Izzy” (who by the way, is not really your sister- just a little girl we lived with for awhile). And sometimes you say you miss Lady, our dog we had to find a new home for when we moved. But we still have Hippie! Love on Hippie!

For the last year or so, you have talked about ballet or dancing. It was never really an option before, but I looked into it a few weeks ago, thinking that some time with other little girls your age would be PERFECT for you! So I found a really reasonably priced place close by, found you some tutus, tap shoes and ballet shoes on eBay (love eBay!) and signed you up! I wondered how you would act in a classroom setting since you have always been home with me, have never been in a classroom, have never had a teacher, have always been shy to dance in public and haven’t been around a bunch of other little girls in a long time. But! My little Ballerina! You are AWESOME!!! You take direction well, you listen to your teacher and you stay right by her always- watching her, doing what she does, learning her moves and sticking with the entire class instead of drifting off into lala land which you (and I) ave a terrible habit of doing. You wait your turn when you need to and you sit patiently, watching the other little girls when it’s their turn to do something. It has been incredible watching you blossom there, practice at home, pack your little dance bag, tap your little feet and learn so many new things. You have only been there 2 weeks and I already see a difference in you at home. I love that it is such a good thing for you and that you love it so much!

I am trying to make a better work schedule during the day so we can play more. Today, I tried a new schedule, which involved playing with you guys FIRST before I did any work at all, and the day was MUCH smoother. I know I work a lot, but I’ll continue to make more time for you every day.

Well, your movie is over, so it’s time for us to play some games. And drink hot chocolate. And brush each others’ hair. You’re excited?? No, I’M excited! I love you sweet girl. Thank you for listening to Mommy more and more every day, and for being such a good, strong, wonderful little thing. You’re such a sweet girl, and I love you dearly.

Love,
Mommy

Makin’ it!

When I first moved out on my own, I had a long LONG list of things I needed, things the kids needed, things the apartment needed, things my business needed and some things I wanted. I have often become very overwhelmed with how much I needed to accomplish this year, so as I have said before, I had daily lists and goals and that’s all I focused on. I started choosing one or two small things a week to purchase, so we could feel a little more comfortable- one week it was only a tray for silverware and a big plastic spoon for stirring soups, which we have eaten a lot of because they are inexpensive, you can make a soup out of anything, and it lasts for a few days.

Some weeks, we have had to get REALLY creative in our choice of meals. Though I had to skip a meal here and there the last few months, the kids have never gone without, and slowly but surely, we have gotten to the place that we can purchase a pretty decent amount of groceries weekly, complete with main dishes, fruits and vegetables. I have NEVER taken food for granted because I remember what it was like to not have any food, so I have still been grateful to always have enough for the kids. Always.

Of course, there is no reason to complain about it because for one, we still have more than most people, two, I didn’t want to whine or make anyone else feel like they should help in that way, and three, I knew that tight finances would be part of the whole “single mom” thing.

But! I knew that I didn’t want to struggle for long. I pursued absolutely every single slither of an opportunity I could to make money. I was open to doing anything legal and moral of course, but I knew that no matter what, I wanted to continue to be self-employed and I wanted to work at home so I could be with my kids. Anything that worked within those parameters, I did.I have been professionally copywriting for the last 3 1/2 years and managing social media for nearly a year, but I didn’t have enough clients to make a full-time income. But since that’s what I wanted to do, that is what I’m good at, and that’s what I’ve been doing for so long, I really REALLY pursued that.

It didn’t take long before things started happening. Pretty soon, I didn’t need all the other side jobs. Every meeting I’ve had has been successful. More and more people are impressed with my talents and skills (or my prices!) and week by week, my stress levels have diminished. The kids and I are FINALLY at a place that we can be comfortable. Of course, they don’t care what “things” they have, but I know they are happy when Mama’s happy! A couple of weeks ago, I was able to buy us a couch, so no more sitting on the floor! Yea! And over the weekend, I got the kids new shoes and pajamas. That may sound small, but I think there are a lot of single moms who can relate to that- how good it feels to know you are providing for your babies. I was so excited that I took the kids to Chick Fil A for lunch and we all left with balloons!

Of course now, the big item on my agenda is a car. I have driven Chris’ Subaru for the last 6 months, but he needed it back for his business, and somehow, it happened to work out perfectly that someone else offered to let me drive their Hummer (crazy, right?!) for as long as I need. My immediate goal is to buy a car by the end of March. I have had my eye on this really nice car with leather seats and a sunroof, but after battling logic and emotion, I think I have decided that it is better to buy an older car with cash for now. This way, I’m not strapped for money every month, I can save for what I really want, I can have a little more freedom to do other things every month, and I will have time to re-build my credit.

I say all that to say this- I KNOW what it’s like to lay awake at night and wonder how the hell things are going to work. I know the fear that comes with being a single parent who wants desperately to put 3 meals a day on the table. Or on the floor if you don’t have a table. I know the intensity of the stress that comes with being self-employed and having NO security net to fall back on.  I also KNOW that if it weren’t for the desperation, I wouldn’t have pushed as hard as I did. Persistence, faith, prayer, tears, your children, maybe some wine, and if you’re lucky, the support of an incredible man can get you where you need to go. If you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. So if you have the courage to do something you always dreamed of, even if it’s scary, go for it!