I’m sitting in the middle of a room full of boxes. Some empty. Some packed. My art supplies all fit in one crate. My paintings are stacked against a wall. My kids are going through all the toys we found since I’ve been packing. My kitchen counter is covered with vases of flowers and bottles of wine that have been given to me the last few days. And my heart is full.
I expressed a couple weeks ago how depressed I was and how nothing was working to calm my nerves. I was THIS CLOSE to cancelling the whole trip. I actually wrote out how much it would cost and what I could do to get out of it, and just stay here. The pain and the fear were unbearable. Two Fridays ago, I called my friend Jefre, a well-seasoned world traveler, in a fit of panic and hysteria. I cried my way through a conversation, and we decided to have lunch the next day.
I showed up and probably seemed like an eager child waiting for help and instruction. I was desperate. I would have done almost anything to get rid of this feeling that was engulfing me. Jefre, being the deeply intuitive man that he is, talked me through it all. He helped me realize that I had allowed fear to become such a powerful force in me that if I didn’t find a way to manage it, then I would A) cancel this trip and regret it for the rest of my life, B) go on the trip and pine away for home so badly that I would ruin the trip for myself, and C) I wouldn’t fulfill what I originally set out to accomplish. He reminded me that this is what I asked for. I had the ability to cancel the trip and stay home if I chose, but that I had wanted this for many, many years, and that I needed to be true to myself.
I told him that all of my fear-management and depression-management techniques weren’t working anymore.
We explored other options, and by the end of our afternoon, I felt so much better. He helped me release all the bad energy I had accumulated, and I felt grounded again. I went home and packed up 2 rooms. I didn’t cry. I was at peace. I had re-affirmed what I wanted and made the decision (again) to move forward. I think sometimes we have to re-evaluate what we are doing and why and make sure that is the best decision. My problem was that I wasn’t evaluating properly, and I was reacting to fear and negative emotions.
After this day, things began falling into place. I had a friend offer to let me store my things at his house out by a gorgeous river and one of my favorite climbing spots. He said he had an entire upstairs that wasn’t being used, and that when we returned from our trip, we could stay up there until we decided where we wanted to go next. This was a huuuuuuuge relief. Now I felt like I had a place to come home to. I wasn’t displaced. There was room for me when I returned- whenever I decide that will be.
Then another dear friend offered to take care of Hippie (my little dog) until she came to visit in July, and she would bring her with her. Another HUGE relief. Getting Hippie to Cozumel was going to be very difficult and even more expensive because the airline I booked with changed their international pet policies.
The kids’ babysitter offered to come for extended periods of time when I need her.
Several others have already bought tickets to visit.
AND! My friends have blown my mind the last couple of weeks. They have gone out of their way and rearranged schedules to spend time with me. We have all arranged more get togethers in the last 2 weeks than we have in months. They were all there for my farewell party Friday, which was a hilarious evening of stories I can’t share here. For Mother’s Day, two of the guys showed up to the climbing wall with flowers for my friend Carol and I. Then they treated us to lunch. We have gone on extra climbing outings. My kids’ babysitter has been very available to help with anything. I even got to spend an entire day hiking and exploring with a sweet friend last Saturday- my last free Saturday here for the next 6 months. It was particularly important to me to enjoy the beauty of Austin once more with this person, who’s intuition is re-assuring, and his energy is perfect for this kind of activity. It was the perfect last Saturday.
I’m very privileged to have the group of friends that I do. I may have made a way bigger deal out of leaving than I should have- because I got caught up in the emotions of it. But they don’t make me feel bad for it; they are 110% supportive. It’s almost like they knew exactly what I needed, and made sure I had it before I left. My love language is quality time, and they have gone way way over and beyond to show me they love me. I think what I REALLY wanted was to know I was grounded here and that I had roots, that I wasn’t going to leave and have anything to come back to. They have made sure to let me know that I’ll be welcomed back with open arms.
Between packing parties and moving parties, we are all doing this together, and I love them for it.
And now I’m ready. Pushing full-steam ahead. We have a world to explore.